scijessreads

It’s been a minute since I put up a chapter. Although, I am down to about 4 more finished chapters of this thing, and then I would need to start writing again. It has been a long break. I still want to get the story out, but life is definitely in the way. I have much respect for authors that write and have full-time jobs and can do this professionally. I am very much a hobbyist when it comes to writing in general.

As always, all the previous chapters are linked in the Writing & More page. This part would be considered “present day” in the story timeline.

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I pull up to Amy’s house in the late morning, the sun already blazing in a cloudless sky. While Amy had first lived in Kernville upon moving to the mountains, after she went away to college last year her parents moved down to Bakersfield to be closer to amenities and work. I don’t know if I could ever live in a city like this long-term. There’s too many people and not enough trees. It’s fun to visit in order to go shopping or do stuff every once in a while, but it gets tiring quickly. 

The white stucco feels bright in the summer heat, and I trail my fingers along the textured surface as I head up the walkway to the font door. The house stands out in a small cul-de-sac of wood-paneled siding. Before I can reach out to ring the bell, the door is pulled open and Amy all but drags me inside the icy coolness. I’m pretty sure her mom keeps the place at a steady 70 degrees, year-round.

“What’s the rush, Ames?” I almost trip over the doorframe.

“No one is home right now, so it’s the perfect time to talk about everything without an audience. We can hit up Target and coffee later.” The words come out with a sharp edge. Great, she’s definitely in a mood about things. Her head swivels back to me, honey-brown waves brushing against her shoulders. “Let’s head to the back patio. We can grab a soda from the kitchen on the way.”

I raise my shoulders briefly in acquiescence and follow her through the house. This is the first time I’ve been here since her parents moved. It’s an open floor plan, with high vaulted ceilings and wooden beams. Very California beachy-comfort. Dutifully, I take the offered can of Coke as we weave through the kitchen, and drop my purse on the giant marble island as we head out the french doors to the covered patio. There’s an outdoor ceiling fan desperately trying to provide some circulation, but the shade does enough to keep the worst of the heat at bay. I’m glad I wore a flowy white sundress today, with as hot as it is now the afternoon will only get worse. 

Amy drops down onto the cushions of an outdoor couch, curling her long, tan legs up under herself, the frayed edges of her denim shorts almost hidden by the oversized T-shirt she has on. I sit at the opposite end of the couch, and start tracing lines up and down my can of soda. I’m not sure if she want me to start, or if she will launch right into some sort of interrogation-slash-sermon. 

“Why did you never say anything to me before now?” OK, so she’s going for interrogation first.

“I have no good answer for you Ames. I am not a very talkative person, even with people I like. And it still feels safer for me to keep most things to myself, to keep others from giving me opinions I didn’t ask for. It’s hard enough to deal with my own thoughts sometimes, and having more tossed at me makes me anxious.” I place the unopened soda on the low table and start picking at the fabric of my dress, unable to look Amy in the eyes. Her slender hand reaches out, and I can feel her lavender nails tap against my thigh. Glancing up, I catch the sadness in her eyes. 

“J, I’ve always known you were quiet. You would rather read a book than talk to anyone. But it feels like what I thought was a friendship between us wasn’t nearly the same to you. And that sucks, to be honest. I put so much more effort into us than you did. Than you do.”

I want to protest, but she’s not wrong. I don’t put a lot of effort into relationships. Even with Drake, he has been the one carrying a lot of the load. I still feel like I’m just along for the ride. I still don’t know what I want anything to be. And I still don’t know why I do this – keep doing this – to the people in my life. I gently squeeze Amy’s hand. 

“I know. I have no good answers, and I’m not asking you to forgive me for how I’ve treated you. Honestly, I’m still not the one doing the most in any relationship, even now with Drake. He’s putting in so much more effort than me, and I don’t know why. I don’t know why I do this, and I don’t know why everyone around me keeps trying.” My eyes start to water. I swear, I’ve cried so much the last year, I’m surprised I’m not constantly dehydrated. 

“You have to want to change, J. We can’t do it for you. I respect that things are hard for you, but you’re not the only one. And you need to figure it out before you hurt Drake. He’s a good guy, and obviously he sees something in you, like we all do, that’s worth knowing. But that can only go so far. You’re like a sponge and a wall of thorns, all at the same time.”

“A what?”

“You’re a sponge, soaking up what others give you, and a wall of thorns, not letting anyone get too close. Also, you run at the first sign of conflict.”

“Ouch.” It’s the truth, but it hurts hearing someone else verbalize what I have only thought in my own head. 

“Yeah, well, you deserve to hear it. Sienna feels the same way, and the reason she’s not here right now is that she feels worse, having known you the longest.” I try not to flinch at that statement. I have managed to hurt everyone that has ever tried to know me. Not a great feeling. Especially when I have no good answers, for them or for myself. 

“Well, me changing my entire personality is not going to be easy.” I try for humor. I know it won’t work, but I have nothing left, other than a vast ache in my soul that knows this is only the beginning. 

“You don’t have to change your personality, babe. But you do have to try to learn how to open up, even a little, to others if you want them to stay invested in your life. If you’re not careful, you’ll let everyone fall away without you noticing until no one is left.” She pats my thigh once before standing up. “I’m here when you’re ready, but the next time you reach out to me, be willing to meet me at least halfway with this friendship. I know there’s one here, between us. But I’m done doing all the work to keep it going.”

“So… do we just not talk anymore until I get my shit together?” I’m genuinely lost right now. I wish Drake were here to translate my emotions for me. He is so damn good at it. Which is exactly what Amy is saying. I let everyone else do the emotional work for me. Fuck. I stand to follow Amy back into the house. 

“You are always welcome to text, to reach out. But you have to make the first move for a while. If you want to get together, to talk, to anything, you have to ask first. I’m here, but you are in control right now. I’m only going to put in as much effort as you give. Same goes for Sienna.” Amy’s blue eyes are sharp, her gaze unyielding. I swallow and nod. 

“OK. What about the party this weekend, with Tay and everyone? Do you still want me to come, or do you need space?” My voice is shaky, a slight hitch in its cadence. 

“You can come, I’ll still send you the info. But again, you have to put in the effort to talk to people and not just sit in the corner. You have to be ready to answer questions about you and Drake, because I’m sure everyone will want to know.” I’ve never heard Amy speak so cooly. Like I’m a stranger. Which, if I’m truthful, I practically am, despite our years of knowing each other. Because in all that time, I never gave her even a fraction of my actual self in return. 

Karma is a bitch, and apparently everything is coming due now. I grab for my purse off the island. “I don’t think us going into town together is a great idea right now. I need to get my own head straight, and I can’t offer you what you need right now, which isn’t fair to you. And I know words mean nothing in the face of actions that have spoken otherwise, but I am sorry. Nothing was intentional, but I can see how it affected you. And for that, I apologize.”

Amy pulls me into a hug, holding me tight for a moment before stepping back. “I accept your apology, but everything I said still stands. And you’re right, us hanging out right now is probably not the best idea. I do care about you, J. And it’s because I care that I’m not holding anything back. You need to hear it. What you do with it is up to you now. I do hope to see you this weekend.” A brief smile plays at her cherry red lips. I try to give one in return, but I’m pretty sure all I manage is a grimace. 

Once I get behind the wheel of my car, I let the tears finally fall. Not sobs, just silent tears. It feels like my conversation with Drake all over again, when I was angry with him for misleading me. Different situation, but also, very similar. Only this time, it’s my actions that have hurt people. For a long time, without me recognizing what I had done. Was I really that oblivious? OK, maybe not oblivious, but definitely a bit narcissistic. I let my world revolve around me, and even if I only meant to do that to be alone, it did manage to affect others. 

Turning the key in the ignition, I back out of Amy’s driveway and head toward Drake’s house on autopilot. I navigate the final two dirt roads that lead to the modest split-level rach house outside of Lake Isabella, about halfway between Amy’s place and home. His car is in the driveway, and I’m sure that he’s still watching his younger sister Alondra while both his parents are at work. She’s a doe-eyed sixth-grader with raven-dark hair and the bubbliest personality you could ever meet. The front door opens and both Alondra and Drake step out as I stop the car. 

“J, baby, what’s going on? Did I forget you were coming? I thought you were with Amy today.” He’s standing at the stoop, barefoot. Alondra comes running at me and gives me a huge hug. 

“Hi, Jade! Guess what? Drake and I are playing MarioKart and I’m winning!” Her face is one big smile. I squeeze her back.

“That’s awesome! I don’t think I’ve ever beat your brother at MarioKart.” She turns to sprint back into the house. I step into Drake’s open arms and melt, still sniffling a little. All he does is hold me close for a moment, then whispers in my ear. 

“I’m sorry, baby.”