This is another “past” chapter. For now, it is also the last “past” chapter that I have written. There will be a few more, to lead up to the beginning of the “present” section. At the moment, I think the first half/third of the book will have the dual timeline, and the later parts of the book will be a single timeline (with some probably time jumps to compress the story a bit). Still playing around with that idea, but for now it feels the most organic for how the story is at the moment. Who knows, I could scrap it all and start over at some point.
The previous chapters are all on the Writing & more page.
November, 1st Semester
True to his word, Drake let me lead the “reboot” of our attempt and friendship. For the first week after our FaceTime call, I sent him random memes. There were no words of my own that felt right in the moment, but a funny picture with a snarky quote felt like something I could do. They had nothing to do with us, necessarily, but more with general college things that we were going through. He would respond with emojis or short replies about how his day was going. I hated it.
I missed our deeper conversations, our meandering chats and stories, and tandem movie-watching over FaceTime. They had quickly become an ingrained part of my daily schedule, and without them, I was floundering. Not in classes – I managed to focus there – but everywhere else. Honor was beginning to worry about me since I hardly left the dorm other than to go to class. I was avoiding doing anything, instead isolating myself and getting lost in my head about Drake. I desperately needed to put on something other than a hoodie and pajama pants, at least. Even though I knew things were not going well, I couldn’t pull myself out of the spiral I had managed to get lost in.
The more I wallowed, the more I realized that my reaction to Drake’s revelation may have been disproportionate to the action itself. Yes, he kept from me the fact that he had wanted something more from me since high school. Yes, he started reaching out after I left for college to start a friendship that might be used as a foundation for building something more. But never, in all of our chats, had he pushed anything. He was simply there. Building that friendship, and not pushing me for anything extra. I’m pretty sure if I never wanted anything else, he would accept that and let me go. Oh my god, why couldn’t I be normal? Why was I so attached to this idea that I had to live my life so separate from everyone around me? No one in my life had ever made me feel less than, but I did. I let the world around me tell me that what I was was not enough, and those voices were the loudest in my head.
My head needed new voices to listen to.
I’m walking across the center of campus the next day after chemistry, shifting my backpack around so I can dig into the side pocket for my wallet and ID card to grab some coffee before my next class. I can feel my phone vibrating in my back pocket, so I quickly shift my backpack straps back across both shoulders and pull out my phone. It’s Drake’s photo on the screen. I’m frozen in the middle of the sidewalk for a moment. Why is he calling? What happened? I take a deep breath and hit accept, holding the phone to my ear.
“Drake?”
“OK, I know I said I’d let you lead, and I’ve been trying damn hard not to break that promise. But Jade, I can’t do this anymore. I miss talking to you. I miss you. And if all you ever want is to be friends I’ll find a way to live with that, but I can’t do this weird awkward ‘thing’ anymore. It’s driving me up the wall, and I’m pretty sure my roommates hate me for pacing the apartment at all hours of the day.” He sounds ragged. He sounds like I feel. Frayed. Worn thin.
“I-…” There’s a tremble in my voice, and it’s barely a whisper. “Me too, Drake. Me too.”
He lets out a deep sigh. “J, can we be friends again? Can we go back to the actual conversations and everything?”
“I would like that. I’ve hated this too.” I quickly walk to the small bench tucked up against the side of the administration building and let my backpack slide off my shoulders to the ground. Sitting down, I curl my knees to my chest and lean against the brick wall behind me. “Last night I thought about everything and realized that I wasn’t fair to you at all. Yes, what you did wasn’t great, but I know you didn’t mean it to hurt me. My reaction was-”
“Your reaction was real and I needed to hear it. Your feelings matter Jade, no matter what. I should have been honest with you.” Drake interjects. “Don’t minimize your feelings for me J.”
“I’m not trying to. But after thinking about it and generally wallowing for the last few days, I know that I let them go too far before actually thinking about the entirety of the situation. I do want to be friends. Without expectations.”
“Without expectations?” Drake sounds hesitant. I tuck a stray lock of hair behind my ear as I think about how to clarify my thoughts to him.
“I don’t want to go into things with a definitive endgame. I want to take things as they come, and let whatever we are or will be develop naturally. Friends, without expectations.” There’s a moment of silence from Drake, where all I can hear is the faint sound of his breathing and the bustle of midday college life happening all around me.
“No expectations. I understand. I can do that. We can do that.” I feel the weight of worry fall away in his voice, and I let out my breath in response. This feels like a fresh start for both of us. Whatever “us” ends up becoming.
scijessreads 
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