scijessreads

For the previous chapter, go here. At the moment, I’m keeping the timeline flashbacks (this chapter is one of them), but I am toying with the idea of taking all the flashbacks and making them either a prologue or short novella prequel. Maybe. There really is no plan at this point other than a bare outline of where I think things need to go and some plot points. This will likely all be edited and rearranged and changed to get a final version. But I still like sharing the parts along the way. I also may start linking all the chapters to my Writing page here to keep them in one place.

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October, 1st Semester of College

The campus is still incredibly green for late October. In some places, the only tell that it’s fall are the decals of pumpkins and falling leaves that decorate the giant picture windows in the Student Center and other administration offices. I’m sprinting to my ethics class, trying not to be late as a result of my terrible time management skills today. It’s been an entire comedy of errors since I woke up this morning. My alarm had been on silent, I spilled coffee on my shirt after chemistry and had to go change, and I got sucked into a conversation with a classmate about a project for BioMed research that really could have been an email… one incident after another. All I wanted was for at least one thing to go right today. 

I haul the doors open to the Richman Building and take the stairs two at a time. I manage to slide into my seat with about 30 seconds to spare. Doing my best to slow my breathing so I don’t sound like a wounded elephant, I reach into my bag to turn off the ringer on my phone. I see a text notification from Drake as I press to turn off the screen. He’ll have to wait until class is out before I can reply. Professor Evans is a stickler for class etiquette and policy, and a visible phone while he’s lecturing is a definite way to earn a zero for participation. 

* * *

“I tried texting earlier, but I guess it caught you at a bad time.” Drake’s sleep-soaked voice filtered through my AirPods. He must have just woken up from a nap. The guy does love his naps, I’ve come to learn. In a past life he must have been a cat. We had been texting and calling back and forth for a few weeks now, having slipped into an easy banter and familiar routine. We talked about nothing and everything. Mostly the books and movies and TV shows we liked, what was going on with our other friends, and how classes were going. It was an easy friendship. 

“Yeah, I saw it just as my ethics class was starting, so I couldn’t respond.”

“Ah, Evans, right? The super-stickler for all the rules?”

“Yup, that’s the one. I’m surprised you remember that.” I know he can’t see me smile, but I do it anyway. It’s rare for anyone to remember little throwaway moments, but Drake seems to be exceedingly good at it. I’m walking across campus back to the dorms. Late afternoon sunlight provides a bit of reprieve from the usual fall chill of the Pacific Northwest.

“I remember everything about you.” His voice is quiet, but the words ring in my head like a bell. What?

“Um, OK, stalker,” I try to make a joke of it. I’m not sure how else to respond to something like that. 

“Not a stalker, just someone who cares about their friend and wants to remember things about their life.”

“Sure. Anyways, what did you want to talk about? Or are you just killing time before having to go to work tonight?”

“Do I need a reason? I wanted to talk to you. It’s become one of my favorite things to look forward to each day.”

“Aww, you can be sweet when you try.” I laugh and pick up speed. The wind has started, and no amount of sun can keep me warm now. I also don’t have on a jacket, yet another casualty of my manic morning. I’ve got a few minutes to sprint to my dorm before my teeth start to chatter. 

“I can be a lot of things if I try,” Drake responds with a light snort. Ignoring his sarcasm, I grab for the Addison Building door and haul it open. Moving quickly through the downstairs common room, I skirt around couches and head for the staircase in the back to go up to my room. Luckily my roommate, Honor, has a late theater rehearsal, so I don’t have to worry about keeping our conversation quiet. Once inside my room, I drop my bag and drop onto my bed. 

“OK, I’m all settled in. And no one is here to listen in on things so we can spill all the top-secret information.” 

“I’m sorry, but I’ll never divulge the family tamale recipe, even to you.” 

“Damn it. I thought I would finally get it out of you,” I gasp in mock-serious shock. Which then quickly falls into a fit of giggles. After the chaos that was today, it feels good to laugh. “Well then, if the secrets to the world’s best tamales are not available, what is?”

“Umm, a kinda serious question.” Drake is quiet, waiting for me to respond. I’m curious and confused. We haven’t been delving into anything too deep in our conversations to date. Mostly standard “get to know you” stuff. Honestly, first date type of stuff. But we’re not dating. Just talking. All the time that we’re not in class. And even sometimes when we are. 

“You’re being quiet, which is making me nervous. Just come out with it. Rip off the band-aid. If I don’t want to answer, I’ll let you know.” I can hear Drake take in a deep breath, sounding like he’s standing right next to me since I’m still wearing my AirPods. I shiver, the breath sounding so intimate in my ear. 

“So I – Ummm, I wanted to ask why you never dated anyone in high school. Not that you had to date anyone in high school, but everyone else seemed to be hooking up and you never did and I was just curious, I guess.”

I’m momentarily stunned. This was not the question I thought would come out of him. I honestly didn’t know what he would ask, but this was not even remotely on the list of possible topics. I sit up on the lower bunk, leaning back against the wall and crossing my legs. My head drops back against the wall with a faint thud. 

“J, are you still there?” Drake’s voice carries a hint of worry. 

“Yeah, I’m here. Give me a minute. Your question is not what I was expecting, so I’m not sure how to answer it. I just need…”

“Sure, take your time.”

My first thought was why? Why was he asking this question? It seemed out of left field, at least considering our topics of conversation so far. I never even talked to Amy about stuff like this, and of all people, she would probably be considered my best friend, at least by conventional standards. But Drake? We were friends, and becoming better ones by the day. Funny how distance could bring two people closer together. 

My second thought was, do I even know why I hadn’t dated anyone? I had a pretty good guess, but it wasn’t something I had ever interrogated in myself. It just was. I was Jade, an introvert and friend who would be there for you but never get too close. I loved the idea of being with another person, of falling in love, but had not put much thought into making it a reality. It was too much effort. No one ever got close enough to me to get to know me well enough to let down my heavily fortified walls. It was easier to float around the edges of groups rather than be in the center. 

“I -,” my voice dropped to a husky whisper, “I don’t really know how to put it into words.”

“Can you try?” A gentle coax, phrased as a question rather than a demand. 

“Well, ummm… I never found anyone that I wanted to go out with. It’s easier for me to be on my own, rather than reach out to others. I’ve never had to put a name to it before, but I think I’m one of those people who needs to make a solid connection with someone before I can think about moving toward something more serious, and have never had that with anyone. Or wanted that with anyone. At least not yet.” I start picking at my fingernails, desperately seeking some sort of distraction from having to face a topic that I had never wanted to drag to the surface. Being vulnerable with anyone scared me, and made me want to curl up and hide. If I kept all of me to myself, I never had to worry about disappointing anyone, or them disappointing me. 

“So, it’s not that you didn’t or don’t want to have a relationship at all, you just haven’t found the right person?” His words slide across my frenetic brain, their solid warmth soothing the jumble of thoughts at war in my head. 

“I guess? I’m sure there’s a word for it somewhere. I hate to sound like a cliche, but I am not like everyone else. Social norms don’t necessarily evade me, but I don’t really engage with them very much. It is too much effort for what is often very little reward, at least as far as my experience goes. If it wasn’t for Amy and Sienna dragging me around after them, I don’t think I would have done 90% of what I did during high school.” I pause, then finally ask what has been hovering in the back of my mind this whole conversation.

“Why do you want to know?” It barely comes out as a whisper. 

“Because I want to know you better. I want to be your friend. Honestly, I wish I could be more. This may come as a shock to you, but I was interested in you for all of the time I knew you in high school. I just didn’t know how to approach you.”

My eyes grew wide, even though he couldn’t see me. What. The. Hell? I admit to being oblivious to most social cues, but this felt so random. 

“I – what?” At this point, I’m not sure complete sentences were even possible. I was glitching. None of the neurons firing in my brain were making any logical connection to words. Or thoughts. Or sounds. 

“I wanted to know you better in high school. But I could never work up the courage to just ask you out. You seemed so reserved, and I didn’t want to make you run away from me or the group, so I stayed silent.”

“And why now? Why ask now? Why tell me all of this now?” My voice started to shake and get higher, close to a whine. I could feel myself starting to spiral. 

“Oh, Jade, breathe. Please take a breath. There’s no need to panic, and we can forget I ever asked,” Drake soothes, his voice sinking into my ears. On instinct, I respond, taking one deep breath. And then another. Until my heartbeat slows a fraction and I’m no longer shaking. 

“I can’t just forget that you asked. I can’t just forget that you harbored this secret thing for me, and didn’t say anything before now.” I sniffle, trying to hold back the tears that are now threatening to fall. “I need some space. I have to go, don’t – just don’t reach out right now, OK? When I’m ready, I’ll text you. But I just can’t do this right now.” The tears finally escape, and I start quietly crying, taking short, hiccuping breaths as everything feels like it’s collapsing around me. I have no idea what to do, all I know is that I need to curl up under the covers and cry before anything else can happen. 

“I – OK. Whatever you need right now. Just, please don’t cut me out completely. I’m sorry for dropping this on you, I am. I didn’t know how else to bring it up, and this clearly wasn’t the right way to do it.” Drake’s voice is rough like mine. Good. I can’t be the only one falling apart right now. 

“Bye.” I hit the end call button and toss my phone and Airpods onto the little stool at the side of my bed. Kicking off my shoes, I yank back the comforter and bury myself under the covers, still crying. I’m not even sure about what at this point. The original question, my admission, or Drake’s sudden confession. All of the above, most likely. It’s too much for me to take in right now. This is why I never get close to people, I think to myself. It only leads to frustration and tears. 

Drake

Goddammit. I throw my phone down on the bed and sit up. It had started so well, and then I had to go and fuck things up. I knew it was too soon to admit anything to Jade, but it slipped out and I couldn’t pull it back. 

And now she was running away. Figuratively, but still running. She always avoided confrontation and would remove herself from any situation that felt uncomfortable. And I was afraid that I had made her want to run from me for good. 

I leaned over, elbows on my knees and palms pressed tightly to my eyes. I didn’t know how to salvage this. Over the past couple of months I had been slowly chipping away at the hard shell around Jade, and in the process of becoming friends, I had only managed to fall in love with the girl who had stolen my heart without even trying. A girl who managed to keep everyone at a careful distance, even friends. And now, I had only made that distance between us even further. 

At this point I had to ask myself why I was even trying. Putting in all of this work for a payoff that had a high chance of not happening. It was like a wave continually crashing against a rock, never making the rock move. The rock was solid. The wave continually broken in it’s Sisyphean task. Over and over and over again. 

Maybe I did need to step away and let Jade come to me for once. Because if she didn’t reach out, then everything I did wouldn’t mean anything. It would remain one-sided. And as much as I loved her from afar, if we were ever to be anything more, she had to want it too. 

The waiting was going to kill me.