scijessreads

One of the daily writing prompts that popped up in my feed was “what is one question you hate to be asked?” It made me stop and think for a moment, because I think right now, there isn’t one. But for the longest time, every time I went home to visit family someone would always come out with some form of the question “so, anyone special in your life these days?”

Special meaning a partner/significant other. For years I would be asked this. As if my only job (other than, you know, school or my actual job) was to find a relationship.

And yes, I did occasionally date. But other than 2 relationships (one during college and one during grad school), none of them were long term or warranted taking home to meet anyone. And over time, even dating lost its luster for me. It wasn’t worth it anymore. I was happy on my own. I could take care of things on my own (read into that what you will). And while I do sometimes think it would be nice just to have a person around sometimes, I’ve never felt lonely. My introvert self likes isolation maybe a bit too much. Ever so often I’ll try again, but everything feels forced. I’ve never loved the idea of apps, and at this stage in life, I’m beyond going to bars. Seriously, unless I meet someone in a bookstore or a coffee shop and they do all the work, it is not going to happen.

Going back to the idea of relationships, I think people have finally come to terms with the fact that I am single, and that is just me. I wonder at times if family may have thought I might have been gay (and honestly, there are moments when I wonder myself sometimes), but every person I have been attracted to is male-presenting. Not that it matters, because really at this point if anything were to happen, it would be less about the gender/sex and more about the personality and compatibility. Whatever that makes me.

I think a lot of it comes down to me being (likely) somewhere on the ace spectrum. Likely along the lines of demisexual. And perfectly fine (now) in my own skin and not needing external validation or a relationship to feel like I am a whole person. I am a whole person on my own.

Embracing being single as a worthy aspect of being is something that I think is becoming more common. Along with not wanting to have kids of my own. I never really felt like I wanted kids. It was always a “maybe if it happens” thing for me. And now, as a teacher, I deal with kids all day. It’s enough for me without needing to have my own. I can barely take care of myself most days, let alone be responsible for the life of another human being.

I will be the old crone in the woods that mutters to herself and makes friends with all the animals. And be smiling and happy and completely at peace.