scijessreads

I write this every time I start a new blog/journal/random musing – “wow, it’s been a while.”

I saw the date on the last post here, 2019. These days it feels like a lifetime ago. Between then and now I have quit a job, found a job (that I am currently at), moved to a new state for said job, and spent a summer in-between back at home in CA with my parents. All while navigating (to some extent) a global pandemic and all sorts of questions internally about my own happiness, worth, and outlook on things.

Oh, and I turned 40 last year.

When I was younger, I think that at this point in my life I would have assumed to have kids and a house and who knows what else. Things that are generally considered “normal to have” at this stage. None of that is my reality though. I am single, with pets, and living in an apartment. Digging out of past not-so-great monetary choices. And I am doing all of that happily. There is contentment and comfort in where I am and in how things are going. I have good friends (though many are far away), a family that takes care of me when I need it, a found community in my new town, and a deep appreciation for the fact that this is my life. A life that I have chosen, either directly or indirectly, by the actions that I have taken over the past decades. A life that in high school I would not have expected. But a life that now I am proud to say is my own.

Admittedly, even for myself, a self-described hermit/introvert and enneagram 5 to the core, the past couple of years have not been all rosy. Even introverts need connections to survive, and that has been a slow burn after picking up my life and moving. However, the move and job change were what was required for me to not live daily as a tense, frantic ball of stress.

I have found a deeper desire to unclutter my life. To truly hold on to what is necessary and dear to me, and just let the chaff fall away. This may or may not have manifested in my purging of items from my closet that I always bought because they “looked cute,” but were not truly a reflection of how I want to present myself. They were fantasy and not reality. Leaning into my own reality and my own nature is giving me a stronger sense of self and peace lately. The same goes for the “things” that I had accumulated around the apartment. I am letting things go, more ruthlessly as months pass, to shape my daily life. This is a work in progress, to be sure, but such a freeing process. The terms that show up on the YouTube searches are slow, intentional, and purposeful. These words are powerful and are guiding me as I realize for so long I have looked at myself through the eyes of others, and not myself. When it comes down to it, I am a basic b*tch that likes loungewear and fancy coffee and just sitting outside near water to connect with my soul.